Bamboo canes
The other day, I noticed a stack of bamboo canes at Nadumuttam, a local grocery store.
Curious, I asked the shopkeeper what they were for. His response stunned me: “To discipline children. In fact, it is one of our fastest-selling items.”
I froze for a moment, trying to process it. In 2025, with everything we now know about child psychology, neuroscience, and learning ,how is this still normal?
🔹 “Hitting children is not discipline; it is punishment. And punishment doesn’t teach better behavior , it teaches fear.” - - Dr. Ross Greene
It got me thinking about how we misunderstand discipline. For many parents and teachers, discipline means compliance , children doing what they are told without question. But isn’t the real goal to raise self-disciplined, thoughtful, and emotionally regulated individuals who can navigate life on their own terms?
Children don’t magically develop self-control; they learn it by watching us. Yet, we often expect them to manage their emotions while we model the exact opposite, frustration, shouting, or hitting.
Here is something worth reflecting on:
Until the age of 7, children need absolute freedom within safe boundaries. They need the freedom to say NO and be respected for it. They need to explore the world around them without judgment, make sense of their own bodies, and voice their preferences without fear. This is the age to nurture curiosity, independence, and security, not control. Because when a child knows their voice matters, they grow up with confidence.
From 7 to 14, children need gentle guidance in learning self-regulation. This is the time when they begin to understand consequences , of their actions, their words, and their decisions. They need the freedom to make mistakes and the assurance that mistakes are safe places to learn. They need adults who will let them fall and help them get up , not fix everything for them. Teaching them self-regulation instead of imposing control helps them develop resilience and personal responsibility.
From 14 to 21, children need freedom of thought, clarity of judgment, and space to build courage. This is when their minds seek independence, to question authority, challenge ideas, and form their own worldviews. But instead of more rules and restrictions, they need connection. They need adults who listen, not dictate, who advise, not control and who guide, not impose. This phase is about helping them find their inner compass , not forcing them to adopt someone else’s .
And yet, instead of fostering self-discipline, we resort to punishment. We confuse obedience with respect. We expect resilience but don’t offer them the space to fail. We demand self-control but fail to model it ourselves.
The hard truth?
Violence against children, whether physical or verbal , still thrives, masked as discipline.
According to UNICEF (2023), over 50% of children worldwide experience violent discipline at home. In India, a 2017 study revealed that 77% of children faced some form of physical punishment at home despite legal bans in schools.
Decades of research now confirm that physical punishment doesn’t improve behavior it leaves emotional wounds that manifest as:
Higher aggression levels
Increased anxiety and depression
Poor self-regulation and problem-solving skills
Lower academic performance
What’s even more heartbreaking is that many of these children grow up to normalize harsh discipline, repeating the same cycle with their own children.
So, maybe the real question is:
Do we want obedience or self-discipline?
Do we want control or connection?
Do we want compliance or character development?
Because the reality is children do not become emotionally strong by experiencing harshness. They become resilient when they are modeled emotional strength.
Maybe it’s time we stop looking for quick fixes like a bamboo cane and start asking ourselves:
Why did I get triggered?
Why did I lose my patience?
What is this behavior bringing up in me that I need to address?
Because the real discipline doesn’t start with the child - - it starts with us.
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